Let's begin with a story before we proceed with the rant:
8/5/14: My aunt dies at 36 due to a rare illness
The night we got the call (Friday): I was scrambling to finish my entry for the 47th National Shell Art Competition (Philippine branch) for the last day of submissions (Saturday)
In numbness, I worked. What else could I do? But then & there I swore, in front of God & my brother that had the painting merited any cash award whatsoever, I would either help pay for the funerary costs (now long taken care of) or give to her mother who could use the dosh. I worked well into past 10am without so much as a second for sleep.
"Phasemark" consisted of three sirens, Maya, Angel & Lilith of the "Borderlands" game franchise, in 3/4 view, showing only from their noses to their hips while the tattooed arms are shown. Acrylic on 2' x 3' canvas, as per competition requirement. As for "theme" that Shell claimed, subject was supposed to be whatever inspired your art. I'm a fanartist and I loved playing "Borderlands 2" (story, script, characters, graphics, palette, pick a feature!) ergo I chose the sirens.
Finishing the painting was the biggest relief & happiness I ever felt. I planned to make good on my word. But that word is now null & void. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER WHO FINDS NO HONOR/ WORTH IN LOSING
WHY DO I FUCKING BOTHER?! EVEN WHEN I TRY MY DAMNEDEST, I STILL FAIL. EVEN IN MY FORTE, I FAIL. DO YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY PARENTS MONEY WAS WASTED IN GETTING ME THROUGH ART SCHOOL. I AM THE SHAME OF MY CLAN AND THAT PAINTING IS A SHAME OF ME. I REFUSE TO HAVE WHAT LITTLE HONOR I HAVE LEFT DECIMATED BY POSTING THAT DISGUSTING PIECE OF FAILURE HERE ON MY ACCOUNT. IT DIDN'T EVEN PASS SCREENING, THE PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!! REVELATION: SUICIDE IS LIKE RIPPING THAT PAINTING APART-- I'M TOO CHICKENSHIT TO DO EITHER. FREAKING SHELL. "PAINT WHAT INSPIRES YOU" BULLSHIT. WHY NOT JUST MAKE IT EASY & JUST BLATANTLY TELL THE CONTESTANTS WHAT THE JUDGES WANT-- SOMETHING VERY FILIPINO OR SOME SHIT, I DUNNO
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE THIS ACCOUNT?!?! I SHOULD DEACTIVATE IT SOON.